LAWRENCE WAS A VERY COMPLEX MAN,
BOTH HERO AND ANTI HERO.
MY VISIT TO HIS CHOSEN HOME
WAS AN OCCASION OF GREAT
PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE.

THE WOMAN IN CHARGE,

COINCIDENTALLY NAMED CHAPMAN,

WAS CONCERNED AT THE STATE

OF MY BOOTS.

"WE MUST BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE CARPET,"

SHE SAYS, OFFERING ME A PAIR OF

BLUE PLASTIC BOOTIES.

THE BOOTIES WERE ELECTRIC BLUE,

MADE OF THE KIND OF PLASTIC

YOUR GROCERIES ARE WRAPPED IN

AT A THIRD-RATE SUPERMARKET,

SECURED WITH A BIT OF ELASTIC,

AND REMINDED ME OF NOTHING SO MUCH

AS THE KIND OF THING SURGEONS WEAR

ON THEIR HEADS.

THEY MADE AN UNEARTHLY RUSTLING NOISE,

JUST THERE IN HER HANDS.

THAT SOUND WOULD HAUNT

MY MEMORY OF THE VISIT.

"I AM CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR CARPET TOO,"

I AGREE,

"BUT THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH

THAT I AM GOING TO WEAR LITTLE BLUE BOOTIES."

I CLEANED MY BOOTS WITH A TOWEL

UNTIL MRS. CHAPMAN WAS SATISFIED.

* * *

AFTER THE TOUR,

I ASKED HER,

"WHERE DO YOU THINK THE

BEATINGS WERE ADMINISTERED?"

IT IS A WELL-ESTABLISHED FACT

THAT LAWRENCE PAID A STRAPPING SCOTSMEN

TO BEAT HIM REGULARLY.

THE SCOTSMAN IN FACT ADMITS THIS,

BUT INSISTED UNTIL HIS DEATHBED

THAT THE BEATINGS WERE GIVEN

AT THE INSISTENCE OF AN OLDER RELATIVE

OF LAWRENCE, AS PAYBACK

FOR SOME UNNAMED BUT SERIOUS TRANSGRESSION.

LAWRENCE INVENTED THIS RELATIVE

AND WROTE THE LETTERS

WHICH GAVE VERY DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS

ABOUT THE BEATINGS.

MRS. CHAPMAN,

BEING ENGLISH,

HAS NO RESPONSE FOR SUCH POINT BLANK RUDENESS.

MY REVENGE FOR BLUE BOOTIES, I GUESS.